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Do You Know Your Colleague’s Love Language?

The Bailey Group | August 10, 2015 | Blog | Leadership/Other | 4 minute read

ilovemyjobRecently, a girlfriend and I were discussing the highs and lows of relationships, marriage, being a mom, etc.—all the good stuff that comes easy and the things that make us want to poke our (or someone else’s) eyes out. Eventually, the conversation took a turn when the topic of “love languages” came up.

For anyone unfamiliar, 5 Languages of Love is a concept introduced in the 90’s by Gary Chapman, a marriage and family therapist. He proposed that by speaking someone’s specific love languages, we make them feel authentically loved and appreciated. My friend and I wondered at the harmony of a life where those in our world fluently spoke our love language and we theirs. Later, I found myself thinking about the concept of love languages in the workplace and how it relates to an absolutely essential and very powerful leadership skill—influence.

Influence is about one’s ability to, among other things, change people’s minds and convince them of a new way of acting, doing or thinking at all levels—up, down and across. But, a foundational principle of influence is first to understand and then appeal to the brain’s primal desire to minimize threat and maximize reward. Even more fascinating? New research suggests our brain reacts in essentially the same way, whether we are in food-and-water-seeking survival mode or satisfying social needs.

Dr. David Rock is the author of Your Brain at Work and a thought leader in the human performance coaching field. He coined the term NeuroLeadership and developed the SCARF model to illustrate and understand the five common factors that trigger reward or threat responses in social situations. Or, as I secretly think of it—the SCARF model is an acronym that outlines your colleague’s five potential love languages that stand in the way of your ability to influence as a leader. It’s a loose connection, I know, but play along.

The five qualities of human social experience the SCARF model highlights are: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness. Threaten any one of these domains and our brain triggers a threat response and we consequently do what it takes to avoid the situation. Conversely, appeal to one of these areas and we do what we can to maximize the moment and prolong the experience. Highlighted below is each domain:

Status: Concerns relative importance or pecking order and seniority. Our position of status is held in relation to those around us. In other words, our sense of status goes up when we feel superior to another person. When our status is threatened, either by our own perception or in reality, we kick into survival mode and do what we can to protect our status. Ever get into an argument with someone and find yourself wondering how they could possibly be defending such a flawed viewpoint? Chances are you’ve triggered their threat response and they’re defending their position to minimize a perceived drop in status. Appealing to someone’s need for status goes beyond promotions and financial reward. Verbal praise and recognition, or the opportunity to learn and improve, are also solid efforts towards raising status.

Certainty: Concerns being able to predict the future. Uncertainty, whether sensing you’re hearing a half-truth from your boss or colleague, or being uncertain of performance expectations or job security, can be incredibly debilitating. Think about how you behave when everything goes as planned and expected—your brain is on auto-pilot, you feel somewhat confident and calm and you’re equipped with necessary responses. But the minute things don’t go as planned, the inner voices creep in, you start to panic and can focus on nothing else but figuring out precisely what’s next. Leaders who figure out how to create the perception of certainty by practicing transparency and clear communication build confident and dedicated teams. This doesn’t mean that once you share your organization’s vision and strategic approach, you’re stuck and can’t change course for fear of rocking the boat. It means you share the roadmap, are clear about expectations and potential pitfalls, and continue communicating and being transparent (about the good and bad) as you move forward.

Autonomy: Provides people a sense of control over events. The perception of reduced autonomy—commonly manifested in organizations as micro-managing—easily generates a threat response. By contrast, when we experience the perception of greater autonomy, we feel more certain and less stressed. Leaders looking to appeal to their people’s need for autonomy must give them room to make their own choices, set their own hours and organize their own work.

Relatedness: Concerns a sense of safety with others. Collaboration in teams depends on trust and empathy. And our ability to feel trust and empathy is based on our perception of just how much another person is like us. Often we see this in organizations when less senior executives roll their eyes at the latest corporate initiatives coming from the top. Or, consider your own reaction when you’ve been put in a group of people and dubbed a team. You probably found yourself taking each person in and putting them either in the friend or foe category. When someone is perceived as different, we experience discomfort or awkwardness so we immediately align with like-minded individuals. Building trust and empathy amongst a diverse group of people takes time—and intention—as well as the repeated opportunity to find commonalities and relatedness with people we originally labeled as different.

Fairness: Concerns the perception of fair exchanges between two people. Our need for fairness is so strong that people will devote their lives in pursuit of a cause they believe is just, or commit to a certain organization for the life of their career because they’re perceived that company as doing the right thing. Unfairness in organizations is perceived when leaders play favorites or appear to create opportunity only for those who are like them. Just like certainty, transparency is the antidote to unfairness. Provide information, context and a plan for tough times like layoffs, and you’re certain to maintain high morale and employee engagement.

Admittedly, this is a complex topic with multiple scenarios and professional implications. Read Managing with the Brain in Mind if your interest is piqued and you’d like to dig into the connection between neuroscience and a high-performing workplace.

For now, remember: Minimize threat. Maximize reward. Influence and reap the benefit of positive business outcomes.